No chimpanzee fossils?

I attended a public lecture last night about evolution, mitochondria and some other things I didn't understand. I was actually only there to run the PA, so don't go thinking I know about this stuff. Anyway, the lecturer said that studying how humans evolved from chimpanzees is complicated by the fact that there are no chimpanzee fossils. (My research assistant Mr Franz Google tells me there have actually been some found, but only a few teeth. Very sketchy.)

Now, I know a cover-up conspiracy when I smell one. No chimpanzee fossils? Either someone has very carefully erased them, or Slartibartfast forgot to put them in, or – and I think this is the only logical conclusion – chimpanzees evolved from humans, not the other way around!

Yes, I think that humans are an evolutionary backwater, and the chimps are laughing at us because we haven't realised it yet, and we have just accidentally continued to exist.

So evolution now looks something like this:

Single-celled organisms – Nemo the clownfish – Axolotl – Some kind of hairy fishman – Neanderthals – Modern humans – Chimpanzees.

How about that, Science? Something to think about, for sure.

(Unless anyone out there knows someone with a complete, stolen chimpanzee fossil record in their garage..?)

By the way, this is not an advertisment for the new Planet of the Apes movie, it's pure coincidence.

Bing


Later that day..., some further thoughts:

After consultation with Slapskins McBOOOm, a further hypothesis is forming.

At most Bing Turkby Ensemble gigs there is a thumb-dancing competition. This involves members of the audience performing dance moves that showcase their thumbs.

Given that the latest BTE release “Summon Forth the Mangonel” tells of how the band use UFOs to travel back in time, it is possible that there is now no need to use chimpanzees as an evolutionary step.

Consider this: the Bing Turkby Ensemble travel back in time for a gig, performing in front of early land-based fish. A thumb-dancing competition ensues, the fish doing the best they can with fin-dancing. The BTE come back to present time. The audience of proto-humans takes the thumb-dancing innovation and runs with it. Over time, they form curled-up hands, and then start trying to thumb-dance with their feet. As they evolve, they develop the ability to climb trees and stuff. As much more time passes, they evolve into modern human form.

So, the evolution of modern human beings is obviously due to a trip back in time by the Bing Turkby Ensemble!

Unfortunately we now run into one of those ubiquitous time travel paradoxes.

But it's still the most elegant solution to the problem of the missing chimpanzee fossils...